We all have a moral compass that guides us. It keeps us from punching the people who upset us and lets us know we need to apologize for telling our sister she\u2019s fat. But we also experience a sort of silly guilt for things that aren\u2019t really moral issues but make us feel bad for one reason or another.<\/p>\n
My older sister Catie will make herself eat the end piece of a loaf of bread simply because she doesn\u2019t want it to be neglected (or wasted, either). I also have a friend who, when she and her husband are driving, makes him pull over if she sees any small creatures crossing the road. Then, like a guardian angel, she gets out and gently picks up whatever the creature is and moves it across the road to safety.<\/p>\n
Unfortunately, I don\u2019t feel bad for not helping bugs cross the street. However, I do feel slight twinges of silly guilt when I look at my reading list and see all the books I haven\u2019t read yet. I feel bad when I look on my shelf or by my bed and see stacks of abandoned volumes waiting for me to come back to them.<\/p>\n
Unfortunately, I don\u2019t feel bad for not helping bugs cross the street. However, I do feel slight twinges of silly guilt when I look at my reading list and see all the books I haven\u2019t read yet.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I\u2019m a reader. I love books. I sometimes fall asleep at night with my light on and a book next to my face. But, to be honest, I\u2019m not always as committed as I should be. Sometimes I acquire books faster than I consume them. The other day I walked into Barnes and Noble with the intention of buying a children\u2019s poetry book for my nephew, and I walked out with one for him\u2014and one for me. Now it\u2019s been almost a month and I\u2019ve cracked the cover of Runny Babbit Returns<\/i> a grand total of two times. It sits on top of my living room bookshelf, shooting me shaggers of dame every time I walk past.<\/p>\n
I recently I read an article, though, that made me realize I should probably save my guilt for things like embezzlement and murder, because, it claimed, having too many books to read can actually be a good thing, and that the people who have ginormous reading lists are actually super geniuses or something. I\u2019m not sure if I really belong in that demographic, but it\u2019s been a nice way to rationalize the silly guilt I feel for all the books I\u2019ve borrowed, bought, or been given and never read or finished.<\/p>\n
Just for full disclosure, though, I\u2019m not writing about having too many books because I want to write about having too many books. I\u2019m writing about it because the article brought up a paradox that, I\u2019ve found, has deep significance for my own life, and it might for yours, too. So, if you don\u2019t remember the last time you cracked open a book and can\u2019t relate to anything I\u2019ve just written, read on, friend, because being a Barnes & Noble junkie is not what this piece is really about. (But if you do struggle with overspending in the literary section of your budget and need a way to justify your frivolous habits, this post may be mildly helpful.)<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s what I mean.<\/p>\n
The Anti-Library Paradox<\/h2>\n
Having a reading list you can never keep up with can actually be a good thing, the article stated, because it indicates that you\u2019re curious and hungry to learn.1<\/sup> You focus on digging into all the things you don\u2019t know rather than staying in the safe area of what you already do know. Shelves of unread books can be a constant visual reminder of your limited knowledge, the volumes standing as emblems of perspectives you\u2019ll one day empathize with, paradigms that will someday shift, and things you\u2019ll eventually find out you were wrong about. Author Nassim Nicholas Taleb dubs a person\u2019s collection of unread books an anti-library<\/i> and even says that unread books are more valuable than read ones.<\/p>\n
In case you don\u2019t see it yet, here\u2019s the paradox: Most of us find it impressive to hear how many books someone has already read<\/i>, not what they haven\u2019t read. We could look at someone with a large personal library, and if they\u2019ve read everything they own, we’d naturally assume he or she must be very intelligent. But in a sense, the person with a large, growing library that has yet to be conquered\u2014their anti-library\u2014may be more <\/i>intelligent, or at least intellectually ahead.<\/p>\n
Why? Because the growing number of volumes indicates they realize how little they actually do know, which is the first step in learning anything or doing anything great. The more you know, the more you realize you don\u2019t know, which helps you develop intellectual humility and learn faster. Then, in the context of acquiring knowledge, the number of books you buy increases.<\/p>\n
So, if you\u2019re like my little sister Sarah who lamented to me one New Years that she\u2019d only read 65 books out of her 70-book goal for the previous year, just sit back and let yourself feel a little bit of pride. Having more books than you can manage really means that you\u2019re smart, or something like that. As Taleb put it, \u201cIndeed, the more you know, the larger the rows of unread books.\u201d2<\/sup><\/p>\n
It\u2019s good to feel stupid<\/h2>\n
The anti-library paradox is really something that runs all through life though. Look around you. The people who focus more on what they don\u2019t know or the ones who are more aware of their weaknesses and limited knowledge are often the ones who have the most potential in life and go the furthest, because they\u2019re humble, willing to question, and able to adapt. On the other hand, the people who are the most confident and certain of everything are often the most inept, because they\u2019re so sure they\u2019re right, they\u2019re unteachable.<\/p>\n
So, ironically, too much certainty, in one sense, imprisons us, while delving into the unknown keeps us free.<\/p>\n
This isn\u2019t what we naturally think though. Knowing something for certain makes us feel safe and smart. Knowing we\u2019re doing all the right things makes us feel secure. Seeing how much we don\u2019t know makes us feel, well, stupid and weak and vulnerable. We\u2019d all like to think we\u2019re open to learning new things, but the tendency of human nature is to be suspicious of the unfamiliar. No one likes to feel stupid and weak and vulnerable, so we stay away from what we don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n
No one likes to feel stupid and weak and vulnerable, so we stay away from what we don\u2019t know.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
The desire for certainty can lead us to focus so much on what we do know and what we are doing right that we actually become completely blinded to all that\u2019s left to discover. This then can lead to a false sense of confidence. Psychologists call it the Dunning-Kruger effect, a phenomenon where \u201cpeople who are ignorant or unskilled in a given domain tend to believe they are much more competent than they are.\u201d3<\/sup><\/p>\n
You\u2019ve met them. I\u2019ve met them. Often we\u2019ve been them. The person who watched a YouTube video on this or that subject and now all of the sudden they feel they\u2019re an expert in a given area. They\u2019re so certain of what they know that they\u2019re completely unaware of how much more there is to know.<\/p>\n
But the anti-library paradox tells me that, in life, the place of realization, the place where I see how wrong I was, all the things I thought I knew but didn\u2019t, that\u2019s really the best place to be. Is it comfortable? Eh, not at first, but it\u2019s really the only launching pad to going anywhere worthwhile.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s bad to feel holy<\/h2>\n
The Bible is riddled with characters who suffered from the Dunning-Kruger effect. I think God put lots of them in His book so that we can learn about ourselves. Jesus was constantly surrounded by people who were certain of everything. They knew how to interpret Scripture, what they should wear, what to eat, what to say, and when to say it. And they knew what everyone else needed to do too. Jesus spent most of His time in ministry trying to get these people to discover the anti-library paradox. And they spent their time trying to tell Jesus what Jesus should do.<\/p>\n
So one day, Jesus told a story about two guys who went up to the temple to worship. One of them, a Pharisee, started to pray, thanking God that he wasn\u2019t like all the thieves, prostitutes, non-tithe-payers, and other wicked rule breakers. He was certain of his perception of God, himself, and others. And he felt safe.<\/p>\n
\u2026the thing he seemed to know for certain was that he was a sinner and that God might be merciful to him.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
The other guy was a tax collector. He didn\u2019t talk about all the things he knew or all the things he was doing right. He didn\u2019t recite whole chapters of Scripture. In fact, the thing he seemed to know for certain was that he was a sinner and that God might be merciful to him.<\/p>\n
Jesus ended His story by saying, \u201cI tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted\u201d (Luke 18:13-14, NIV).<\/p>\n
I grew up thinking that making mistakes made me bad. Doing something wrong felt shameful. Now I\u2019m starting to think that when I realize I\u2019ve been wrong about something or I see how much I don\u2019t know or when I finally admit that I\u2019ve been selfish, that\u2019s when Jesus is ready to throw a party. When I\u2019m willing to step into uncertainty and let go of my own desire to be right, that\u2019s when Jesus leans in and whispers, From here, we can go anywhere<\/i>.<\/p>\n
What if, just as building an anti-library could put you intellectually ahead, there is an anti-holiness that could put you spiritually ahead? What if, in a way, focusing on all the big and beautiful goodness of God that is yet to be discovered is where real godliness was found? What if we were to celebrate our spiritual shortcomings and see them as moments of awakening instead of as moments of failure? What if we were to revel when we discover that God isn\u2019t actually who we think He is instead of shrinking back? What if we were to celebrate when we find out we were wrong? What if, instead of freaking out when we don\u2019t have the answer, we sit back and say, \u201cWow, there\u2019s so much I don\u2019t know,\u201d and be okay with that? What if the fact that we don\u2019t fully understand God is evidence that He is who He is?<\/p>\n
\u2026the truth is, if you feel holy, you most likely aren\u2019t.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
It\u2019s part of our sinful human nature to think, whether consciously or subconsciously, that what we know about God and the Bible and what we do for Him makes us safe and good. We equate certainty with holiness. But the truth is, if you feel holy, you most likely aren\u2019t. Admitting we\u2019ve been wrong, or that we don\u2019t know as much as we thought we did, or that all of the things we thought made us a good really just belong in a pile of rubbish feels terrible. But according to Jesus\u2019 story, that\u2019s the best place we can possibly be.<\/p>\n
In Ellen White\u2019s epic little book Steps to Christ,<\/i> she basically says that experiencing the anti-library paradox in your spiritual life might feel like taking a cold shower, but it\u2019s really like winning the lottery:<\/p>\n
\u201cThe closer you come to Jesus, the more faulty you will appear in your own eyes; for your vision will be clearer, and your imperfections will be seen in broad and distinct contrast to His perfect nature. This is evidence that Satan’s delusions have lost their power; that the vivifying influence of the Spirit of God is arousing you. No deep-seated love for Jesus can dwell in the heart that does not realize its own sinfulness. The soul that is transformed by the grace of Christ will admire His divine character; but if we do not see our own moral deformity, it is unmistakable evidence that we have not had a view of the beauty and excellence of Christ\u201d (Steps to Christ<\/i>, pg. 64-65).<\/p>\n
The Grand Canyon<\/h2>\n
A couple of years ago I ended a relationship. Though difficult, it was a good decision. During that process and the aftermath, I realized many things were wrong with me, so I cried a lot and watched Cheaper by the Dozen.<\/i> I didn\u2019t really feel confident or certain about anything in life. But you know what? As frustrating as it was to feel so unsure and uncertain, it opened me up to many big and beautiful truths God wanted to teach me.<\/p>\n
On New Year\u2019s Eve this year, I was at the Grand Canyon, watching the sunset with some friends. It was my first time there, so when we pulled up, the first thing out of my mouth was, \u201cWhoa. It\u2019s big.\u201d<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t really feel confident or certain about anything in life.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
We\u2019re all in our twenties, so of course we went to bed at 2 am and then woke up at 6:30 to go back to the canyon and catch the sunrise. (If you ever get a chance to welcome the new year this way, I highly recommend it.) Sometimes I can be kind of lame and not as impressed with nature as I should be, but it was sobering. I felt like this massive penetration in the ground was penetrating my very soul. I sat at the edge and I knew I was looking at a huge poem of truth God had written for me.<\/p>\n
Slowly, imperceptibly, the light grew, and what was once dark and shadowy became many canyons within a canyon and a green river running through the bottom and layer after layer of rose gold and amber and orange rock all shining in the light of the new year.<\/p>\n
The new year is still young, but maybe you\u2019re already floundering or feeling disgusted with yourself or you\u2019re ready to give up. Maybe you\u2019re remembering how much you\u2019ve failed Jesus last year or realizing you\u2019ve been wrong about a whole lot of things when it comes to God, life, and yourself. Maybe you have enough questions and uncertainty to fill up the Grand Canyon.<\/p>\n
I sat at the edge and I knew I was looking at a huge poem of truth God had written for me.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Can I tell you a secret? That\u2019s a good place to be. In fact, it\u2019s the place best place to be. It\u2019s the place from which you can go anywhere.<\/p>\n
So sit back and watch the canyon begin to glow. Cultivate a curiosity for the divine, a thirst for an anti-holiness, and a fear of feeling like you\u2019ve arrived.<\/p>\n
Just lean in, friend.<\/p>\n
The kingdom of heaven belongs to such as you.<\/p>\n
\n
- Jessica Stillman, \u201cWhy You Should Surround Yourself with More Books Than You\u2019ll Ever Have Time to Read,\u201d Business Books<\/i>, December 5, 2017, https:\/\/www.inc.com\/jessica-stillman\/why-you-should-stop-feeling-bad-about-all-those-books-you-buy-dont-read.html<\/a>.<\/li>\n
- Ibid<\/i>.<\/li>\n
- William Poundstone, \u201c\u2018The Dunning-Kruger President,\u201d January 21, 2017, https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/blog\/head-in-the-cloud\/201701\/the-dunning-kruger-president<\/a>.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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